


Not Without You

by AlyKat



Category: Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Brief description of character's death, Character death is non-suicidal, Could be triggery to some, In anyway, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Post-Movie, Really there's nothing happy in this story, and more angst and feels, just lots of angst and feels, seriously, there is nothing Fix-It about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-11
Updated: 2013-01-11
Packaged: 2017-11-25 03:45:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/634773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyKat/pseuds/AlyKat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They made him believe he'd killed the only man he ever loved. Now they have to live with their guilt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Without You

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Survivor's Guilt](https://archiveofourown.org/works/612289) by [arsenicarcher (Arsenic)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arsenic/pseuds/arsenicarcher). 



> Very loosely inspired by "Survivor's Guilt". I think it was mostly the title that inspired me...but anyways. A drabble that would not leave me alone. I apologize in advance and take full claim for any mistakes as this was written on-the-fly and does not have a beta.

_"Agent Coulson is down,"_

_"A medical team is on its way to your location."  
_

_"They're here...they called it."_

~*~

_"Phil Coulson died still believing in that idea. In heroes."_

~*~

Clint couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't even hear any of the words coming out of Natasha's mouth. Nothing past _"Clint? Phil was killed...during the 'carrier struggle..."_ His world was swimming in black and white and grey. The haze coming in from all directions around him; choking him and smothering him. 

Dead.

Coulson was dead.

Coulson died on the helicarrier.

The helicarrier that he helped to destroy. That he infiltrated and sabotaged. So many good people lost their lives because of him. People with families and loved ones waiting for them. Some of them were even his friends. And he'd killed them. He may not have done it personally, but he brought the teams into the flying fortress, gave them their directions and set them loose. It was his fault. All of it. 

He'd killed them all.

He'd killed Phil Coulson.

~*~

Everyone noticed the change in Clint, even Tony noticed and was concerned. The light was gone from his blue-green eyes; heavy, dark circles fell in bags under them, contrasting greatly against his shallow pale skin. The Clint Barton Natasha had known and loved for so long was gone. In his place stood a mere empty shell of who he'd once been. She would find him alone, hidden in rafters and cowering in the vent above Coulson's office. The man would stand guard, making sure nothing of his beloved handler's things were removed from the room. 

Coulson had been more than just Clint's handler, though. He'd been the man's first real friend. His _best_ friend. Natasha knew better than anyone that Clint had been carrying a torch for that man for more years than he cared to admit to. She knew that Clint had always wanted to tell the agent how he'd felt, to ask him to dinner or out for drinks, but the timing was never right--work and lives got in the way more times than not. 

And Phil Coulson's feelings towards Clint? Well, Natasha felt she at least had a very good idea about those. She was a highly skilled and trained spy, after all. Had she known that Coulson held feelings for Clint? That the pair were probably the most idiotic and blinded people in the world towards each other? Most likely. 

None of that mattered anymore though. Because Phil Coulson was dead, and Clint Barton was well on his way to joining him. 

~*~

The call went up a month after the 'Incident'. The Avengers assembled just as they did any other time they were needed and went out to protect the city they'd worked so hard to save and rebuild. It wasn't anything overly difficult, hell it was practically a milk-run. There were casualties, however, buildings lost and people killed on both sides.

By the time the team got to the rubble, a pile of bricks and twisted steel where once stood a building, it was already too late. They could hear the wet coughs of the man buried beneath it all, the choked up gasps for breath as they all tried to pull as much of the debris away as possible. It didn't matter, though. The steel bar had gone straight through him, destroying his high tech quiver and tearing the Kevlar vest to shreds. Tony and Steve stared down in horror and disbelief. Natasha turned her face away, not able to handle seeing Clint like that. 

Stark yelled for medical to get their asses to their location, his hands already raised to blast away what wreckage he could. He only stopped when he felt Steve's arms wrap around his own and pull him away from the pile. It was too late. 

Thor frowned deeply as he reached out, gently closing their fallen friend's eyes for the last time.

~*~

A memorial had been set up for Agent Clint "Hawkeye" Barton; his body having been cremated and ashes scattered from off the helicarrier. 

_"Clint loved being up high,_ " Natasha had said, as they all stood on deck, staring down at the plain silver urn they'd been given. _"This was what he wanted."_

With steady hands and tears shining (but not falling) in her eyes, Natasha removed the lid from the urn. She put her lips to the rim, mouthing out a silent and personal prayer for him in Russian, before kissing it gently and letting the ash fall from inside. They all watched as the wind caught the dust, swirling it and twisting it up and away from them before carrying it off into the distant clouds surrounding the flying base. 

_"Give my regards to Agent, Barton."_

~*~

Two months after the memorial on the helicarrier, the team stood silently in a drab, sterile white hospital room. Tony had put his fist through the wall, glaring at Fury and growling that that could have been his face. Steve stood with his jaw clenched and arms folded over his chest, staring the one-eyed man down in a way that only Captain America ever could, while Bruce held the medical charts in his hands and muttered quietly to himself (no doubt a mantra he'd learned to try and keep the Other Guy at bay). They were lucky Thor was off planet when they'd been told the news, otherwise who knew what could have happened. 

Natasha sat at the bedside though, her green eyes staring into grey-blues. Eyes she thought she'd never see opened ever again, ones that Clint would have sold his soul to the Devil himself just to see one last time. They were looking at her expectantly, concern and pain welling up inside them. 

"...where's Barton?"

With a heavy sigh, Natasha felt her shoulders fall just ever so slightly. 

"Coulson...Clint's..." Her voice trailed off. She didn't need to finish the sentense, Phil already knew how it was going to end. 

Clint had died still believing that Coulson was dead. 

That he'd killed him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a death fic in a really long time, so I hope this turned out okay. Please don't hate me. =S


End file.
